Lost and Found

I have been out of it for quite a while now. Blogging, that is. Last time I posted anything was to announce I had a car accident. I survived and made it through, obviously.

The past couple of months have been exhausting. I moved to a new apartment, handled legal matters, have cried, have laughed, lost some weight and gained it back, have run, mourned, hugged, and have also stayed still. My father died in November. My mom had a nervous breakdown. I'm getting divorced. My sister came to visit and right now, my apartment is full. Full of people, pets, and a big mess. Exactly what I needed to feel a little bit normal.

I really don't know how to properly express how I'm feeling right now. Nothing is the same. I wasn't ready to feel this unfamiliar about everything. But I guess that's what you get when you push forward. When one steps out and realizes that idleness is taking away the best one's got. To loose is to gain. And I'm hopeful that everything will settle down and will feel familiar again.

My mom is lying next to me, reading. She's much better now, and has been enjoying the pleasure of not having to think or do anything for the past week. We are both in a turbulent moment, adjusting to our own separate realities. I love her to death. And I know she loves me the same way too.

Unexpected

I had car accident yesterday. It was raining and I was in the highway on my way home. I took an exit and, while taking a sharp curve, my car just got slippery and out of control. I realized the trouble immediately and tried to control the stirring wheel without success. I suddenly understood that this was a loosing battle, and tried to do as much damage control as possible. I sharply turned the stirring wheel to the right, the same direction as the car was spinning. I slammed the breaks and hoped for the best. I landed on the side railing. My hands were shaking and for a minute, I didn't know what to do.

I've been dealing with the insurance company pretty much all day long. And I've been very sad. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Something I just read

" It requires a willingness to recognize that what we know is limited and that as soon as we think we understand something, we stop paying attention. It requires an ability to tolerate the pain, ambiguity, and confusion that arises anytime we leave our comfort zone. It requires a desire to continue growing as a person. We have to be vulnerable to explore new territory. After all, we are going to make mistakes, get hurt, and look foolish every once in a while."

Todd Kashdan - Curious? Blog

Reinvention in the making

re.in.vent |verb|

change something so much that it appears to be entirely new.

A verb indicates action and movement. Implies that the subject is doing something. If we say, then, that our subject wants to reinvent him/herself, we are automatically stating that whatever was before, will no longer be, since he/she will take action upon whatever it is they want to change.

It is pretty obvious who the subject is after all. Perhaps you've noticed my long absence, or maybe not. But the truth is that I have crashed into important life-changing events. It has not been easy. It has not been merry. It has been what it has been.

What is expected of all of this? What will the outcome be of the changes surrounding my life?

Reinvention.

To change what didn't work before. To adopt bold ways of thinking. To exclude fear from my daily vocabulary. To accept new ways and go with the flow. To understand that this is the life I'm living and that I am responsible for it.

There are quite a few things that I want to change for the better, but there's one that I will protect... the smile that has always been on my face. The smile that reassures me that things will be ok and that I am a good person. A good person that wants to be the best she can be.

Understanding Lennon

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

I've always cherished this particular quote of his. For some reason, it has always made sense to me. It resonates in my head like a broken disc, over and over and over, and I've been acknowledging it more often lately.

Life happened. Change happened.

You win some, You loose some

I am 15 lbs lighter these days. While on the blog scene I've been silent and non-responsive, on the gym I've been working my butt off. My runs are now longer and faster, and my stamina has improved considerably.

The whole process started about two months ago, when my boss (who's also my neighbor and good friend) realized she needed to loose 90 lbs in order to regain control of her health and well being. I encouraged her to sign up at my gym. That way we could partner and motivate each other to keep it up. So she did, and we've been exercising every weekday from 5:30 to 7 AM. The results are showing and I have to say that I'm looking pretty good these days (woohoo!).

Loosing weight is a very personal process. No one can force this into anyone, or else it will become another tedious task to do in your already complicated agenda. It becomes a burden and sooner or later, you quit altogether. In order for the process to be effective, it must come from a true realization. Knowing that you need to change for the better, that you deserve to feel younger and energized, or that your health is at risk and your living days are getting shorter, it's the only motivation you really need to stay focused on this task. Wether it's 10, 15 or 100 lbs, the process is still the same: decrease the amount of food input and increase the amount of physical activity. That's it. But we, humans, avoid anything that makes us feel deprived. It's our nature.

We'll continue our morning routine as usual, and I will continue helping my friend, who needs this much more than I do. And in the meantime, I will benefit from it one way or the other. I gained a friend already and had lost some extra pounds... let's see what else comes this way.

Once upon a time...

... I decided I wanted to start writing a blog.

So, why the hell haven't I kept up with it??? In all honesty, there's no good reason. I just let life be and got caught up in it. No dramatic situation has happened (thank God!). I just got lazy and stopped... it was much easier just stopping altogether.

The truth is that writing is hard. And writing about one self is even harder. It's like as if someone has lit a bright spot light upon you, and you're standing in a big, dark stage, all by yourself. There's nowhere to go... and the show must go on.

I've tried to hide away from that stage all my life. I'm not the kind of person who likes getting much attention. In fact, I've always been the friend of the popular girl, the wife of the popular guy, a plain accountant working at the bank, the good daughter who's always there for everyone, the one that loves watching movies and reading books, the one that goes to the gym and doesn't speak a word. Yep, always laying low. I guess the blog started to feel like something outside of character, the only place where everything was about me. I felt like an outsider in my own virtual space. It must stop....

I am hereby regaining the right of being selfish, of speaking only about me, about my fears, my joys and my mistakes. My thoughts will remain anonymous because I say so. And I will enjoy every sentence of it.

Alive and Well...

This is my comeback! :)

The Things I have learned....

I found this website called "Things I have learned so far in my Life".  It has kept me thinking about many things.

My weekend in pictures

Had breakfast with a dear friend on Saturday morning.  We had a long talk and a few laughs.  

Played a game of Pool with my husband, brother, and sister in law.  I suck at it!! Big time....

... my niece watched us wondering what the hell we were doing...

And tonight, after my photography class, I saw the big bright moon shining above me.  I managed to take this picture while driving.

Wishing you a happy and productive week....

Me. Without glasses.

I'm trying out a new pair of contact lenses.  It's been a while.  In fact, I haven't wore contact lenses ever since I moved away from my island three years ago.  So I'm still adjusting to my new sight.  Things look smaller when I'm wearing glasses.  I guess the shape of the glass shrinks the images somehow.  I asked a friend of mine who wear glasses if he had notice this before.  He agreed with my observation.

It's funny how people react to appearances.  Nobody at work had seen me before without this obvious object in my face, so it was a shock for some people.

"You look different!"  Duuuhh. Really?

"Your eyes are green!" Well, hazel actually. Today they just look greener than usual.  And this was a girl with whom I have daily interaction.  Didn't she notice before? 

"You look great!" That's the kind of compliment I want to hear to keep me encouraged.

I remember the exact moment I started seeing blurry.  I was eight, I think, and I was in my third grade classroom, writing down some notes on my notebook.  The teacher had written some stuff on the chalkboard that we had to copy.  I was looking back and forth, from the board to my notebook.  At one point, when I was reading the board, something pop in my eyes, and they got teary.  I rubbed them hard, and when I tried to read from the chalkboard again, I couldn't see a thing!

For many years, I hated wearing glasses.  I thought I looked stupid, ugly and nerdy.  And of course, when you get to your teen years, you must look like everybody else.  You want to fit in.  So, as soon as I turned 13, I got my first set of contact lenses. Oh I was so happy.  I wore them all the time, neglecting my poor glasses, leaving them on the side, on some dusty corner.

I rediscovered them some years ago.  I had to get a new prescription and, while waiting for my turn in the eye glasses shop, I spotted a nice, clean looking pair that got my attention.  I tried them on and they fit perfectly.  So I changed my mind and got them instead.  I've been enjoying the simplicity and practicality of eye glasses for quite a while now.  But after three years, I want  to update my look.  And this is the fastest and most efficient way I know.

Story of a Child

Yesterday I read an article on Newsweek that moved me.  It was titled Family Portraits, and the subject really took me by surprise. This is the article's description:

"A unique volunteer group helps parents preserve precious images of babies that are stillborn or expected to die soon after birth."

Motherhood is a sensitive subject for me to discuss.  Not because I'm not interested on becoming one, but because I've been trying for five years without success.  I've been through all the stages: from total excitement about the new endeavor, to disappointment and frustration.  Right now, I'm in the "I don't really care" stage, and I am trying to enjoy my life to the fullest, getting involved on things that are dear to me.  But there was a moment, a brief period in which I was able to conceive, and the experience was magical.

I was still living in my island, and I had recently changed doctors.  This new guy took a new approach to the situation, and after two months on treatment, the oh-so-hated pregnancy test finally came back POSITIVE.  I just couldn't believe my eyes, and I did two more tests just to make sure it wasn't a cruel joke from the circumstances.  The doctor confirmed it with an ultrasound, and I had the first photo of my baby.  It was blurry and you couldn't see a baby still, but it was my baby alright.  The happiness that surrounded our house was like any other, making plans, talking about it all the time, hopeful about our future together.  Then I went to my next appointment the following month, only to find out that there was no heartbeat.  The baby never made it past the second month.  For me, the most hurting memory of that moment was to see my husband cry.  In ten years I've only seen him cry once, and that was it.  I'm really sorry I haven't been able to give him a child... and it really breaks my heart every time I think about it.

So when I read this article, the idea of photographing a stillborn baby comes to me as a beautiful gift.  Because, for whatever brief or long the moment is, it was your baby, it was your child.  Holding on to those images means that this little person existed and it made an impact on your life. And no one will ever take that away from you.

Gone...not for so long

I had been quiet for some time now.  Regrouping, putting things in the right perspective.  Last week was a long and tough week, at work and home.  Since my two coworkers were laid off, we had acquire more responsibilities than we had before, so that took some adjustments.  That's done.  At home, I had been helping my brother and his wife to set up their own design freelance business.  Color Depth Design is already on its way to become a full production business.  I sat down with my sister in law and covered all the basics.  She already started working on her first project, so she's been busy.

My photography class starts this next weekend, and I'm looking forward to it.    I need to tackle the technicalities of flash photography if I ever want to make some money out of this hobby of mine.  I'm also working on building my portfolio.  I have been reading a lot on the subject and I think I know what I want to do.  In the meantime you can check out my photoblog, Think!Photography.  I'll be doing some updates on the layout, so new things are coming their way.

Layoffs all around me

Oh, goodness, it's been too long since I last sat down to write on this blog of mine.  Last week I had an unexpected trip to Memphis that threw me off my regular schedule.  I'll fill you in with details later on.  First, things first.

This week started with bad news for everybody.  Layoffs are all over the place and the unemployment rate just keeps rising.  The bank I work for is no exception.  Yesterday, two co-workers of mine were fired.  Literally, they used to sit next to me.  I was chatting with the girl, having a laugh at some funny story of hers.  She answered her phone, stepped away from her desk, and I just continued working on whatever it was I was working on.  She came back silently, came to me and handed out the stuff she was working on and said," I'm giving you this because I'm no longer working for this company."  I looked at her and she had teary eyes. It took me by surprise, and I just felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.  I felt so bad for her that some tears fell from my eyes too.

I guess the worst part is knowing that I'm no better than she is.  I consider myself a mediocre employee, although for some reason my boss thinks the opposite.  I haven't been giving my one hundred percent at work simply because I'm bored with what I do and I truly wish I could move on to other things.  But yesterday I was grateful.  We cannot afford loosing the security of this job right now. Not now, when I'm trying to help out my brother and his family, and his wife just lost her job too.

So today our group is meeting early in the morning to redistribute the work.  We were six, and now we're four, so our plates are going to be pretty full from now on.  I just want this week to be over, so that we can move on and get used to our new routine at work.

Back to reality

It's 11:18 p.m. in this part of the world.  I am about to go to sleep, but didn't want to finish my day without dropping a note.

We got back from our getaway weekend and I'm really tired.  Tired but happy.  We had an awesome time with some newfound friends.  Actually, we've known them for a while, but never ever had we been away with them.  

Tomorrow we go back to work again, and it's supposed to be chilly so I'll have to look through my clothing for my warmest pieces.  Otherwise I will freeze my butt off.

Weekend with friends

We went away for the weekend and haven't been able to sit down to write.  I don't think I will be able to do it tonight either.  But here's a colorful pic I took with my camera phone.  I think I'll be using this little device more often.  Happy weekend to all!!

Living life as art: The exercise of creative thinking

This has been my weeklong subject of research.  I have been searching the Internet for information on Creativity and it's been quite revealing.  I would like to share some final thoughts on the subject.

Prior to this little research of mine, I had wondered whatever happened to the universal concept of education.  The approach previously adopted by generations of great thinkers, where they saw learning as a "universe"of ideas to be studied.  Philosophy, art, mathematics, all these came to exist because the minds of these great thinkers came together to understand the why and the how of the basics of the human experience.  Then, somewhere in the twentieth century, education came to be a more technical matter.  It diminished the universal ideas to a couple of mandatory classes on our schedule, becoming an annoyance in the list of subject needed to complete before graduation.

The creative mind needs to go back to the roots: it needs to focus on the universal ideas that brought us to be in the first place.  Truth, beauty, goodness, these are the most crucial of them all.  To be able to transcend our daily life into grander things, one must direct one's own vision towards these basic concepts.  To acknowledge the beauty of everything that surrounds us; to search for the truth on our own; to liberate the goodness within us: this is the kind of art that moves others and transforms lives.

The TIME magazine published an article a couple of years ago titled "The Hidden Secrets of the Creative Mind".  In it, the authors explain that creative ideas do not come from one brilliant spark of sudden insight bur from " a chain reaction of many tiny sparks while executing an idea".  We must fill our minds with different thoughts, different concepts.  These would eventually turn into the new kind of thinking that could ultimately reveal something completely new and authentic.  In it they also explained how writers lie J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis both engaged on heated intellectual battles with a group of non-traditional  Christians professors called the Inklings.  We all know how these discussions ended: they gave both the ground wrk in which they created these fantastic literary works filled with rich characters and a unique spiritual undertone.

So, regardless of your field of expertise or your own creative affair, you need to give sometime to yourself to explore what's out there.  Read new authors, write on new subjects, photograph different angles, and design something completely different from your own style.  Dare your mind to reach its full potential, and in the process let it absorb the newness of it all.  You'll see how new ideas will eventually pop up and how you'll become a better artist in the end.

Resources:

TIME Magazine

Ted:Talks

Thinking with Somebody else's head Podcast

Wikipedia

Ted:Talks on Creativity and the Playful Mind

I wanted to share with you this video I saw at Ted:Talks on the connection between creativity and play.  You can visit their website for more interesting talks on many other subjects.

Follow the link to watch the video.

Ten facts about me

1. I wear glasses

2. I'm bilingual.  English comes in second.

3. I'm right handed

4. I'm a brunette

5. I love dogs

6. I like tattoos and piercing (although I don't have any)

7. Sometimes, I'm loud

8. I like the Opera and listen to classical music

9. I'm an average dancer (but love watch others dance)

10. I have a good sense of humor

I miss my island...

I was born and raised in an island.  A tiny island in the Caribbean, filled with songs, heat, and humor.  The breeze carries a salty flavor that sticks to your skin on humid days.  A flavor that lingers on your tongue after swiftly brushing your lips in specially hot circumstances.  The breeze, a soft and timid carrier of all kinds of aromas: freshly ground coffee, coconut oil, pineapple juice, cinnamon and sea. 

My island loves music, loves rhythm, loves percussion.  It dances to the sound of drums as if it's possessed by african gods.  Marching its way through the pebbled streets of the old city, it shouts for joy and celebration.  For all the good and the bad.

I yearn for my island.  I miss the people, their smiles and faces.  The familiarity of everything, the streets I grew in, the songs on the radio, singing out loud while driving my old car, my dog, my short pants, my flip flops, the island state of mind, watching the coast fade away on my rear view mirror, the long days at the beach, eating street food and a beer.  Those are the things I miss.

The Creative Mind

I've been searching the web on the subject of creativity.  Art, being the ultimate expression of this brain process, comes in by default.  Being able to express one's own charisma and personality through creative affairs is my ultimate quest, my own personal discovery.

I follow the blog of a talented designer.  His name is Nick Campbell.  He's also greyscalegorilla. 

He posted an entry today that reads like this:

"My advise to students has always been to take more design and type classes, and learn the technical stuff later."

I guess what he means by this is that in order to become a better artist we must concentrate on the creative part first and deal with the technicalities later. Those will fall into place once we know exactly what is it we want to accomplish.  As an aspiring photographer, I need to constantly remind myself this.  I sometimes feel that I am so behind in my goal, that I get anxious and focus too much on the technical aspect of the photo and forget about the composition.

In the meantime I just keep taking pictures, reading as much as I can, and taking more pictures.  You can check out my photo blog to view my favorite ones ( Think!Photography).

Worldess Sunday...we all have days like these

If you look close enough you'll see my reflection in each one of them.  Wishing you a good and productive week....

The Green Stuff

I know it looks disgusting.  You put spinach, apple juice and a banana in a blender, mix it all and you get this.  It's a green smoothie, and it's part of my Eating Well resolution for the year. No, I'm not a vegetarian and I don't have any plans on becoming one any time soon (in fact, I'm looking forward to tonight's dinner out... a juicy Argentinian grill called "La Vaca Loca").  But I do need to increase my intake of greens, and this is a fast and yummy way of doing it.  So far, no volunteers are joining me on this healthy task.  In fact, everybody steps away when they see me preparing my colorful treats.  It's ok...I guess I wouldn't either.

Tonight, after dinner, we're all going to see a photography exhibition at a gallery in the beach.  We've all had a rough week, so a little distraction is exactly what we need.  My sister in law kind of lost her job.  She works at a small image consultant agency that had just started business about six months ago.  I guess their cash flow fell behind and they didn't have enough money to keep paying her salary.  She's a graphic designer and really talented.  You can check out her work here .  So if you happen to live in Miami and think you have a job for her, let me know.

I'm really looking forward for tonight's night out.  I'll bring my camera so luckily I'll be able to take some good shots of our evening.

Daily quote on my journal

"If you would not be forgotten as soon as you are dead, either write things worth reading or do things worth writing"- Benjamin Franklin

This quote was my morning greeting.  I opened up my agenda to find it on top of today's page.  It was a real shocker, for it describes the whole reason I'm even writing this post.

My thoughts after a long day

I am feeling so tired today.  I started running again, and my body is killing me.  My legs are heavy, my abs hurt.... I just keep telling myself that is worth it.

I woke up early and went to the gym and ran 3 miles, went to work at the bank, had a crazy day dealing with auditors, made several calls trying to register to this flash photography class I want to take, went to the chiropractor who gave me a lecture for not taking care of my back (he hates that I run), got home, cooked dinner (sigh, tired already), took a bath, browsed this new Photoshop book that I bought and now, after all the craziness of the day, I have some alone time.  Just for me.

It's funny 'cause my husband was telling me the other day about this article he read that said that 46% of the women surveyed actually preferred going online than having sex.  He asked me:

"And you? what do you prefer?"

"Sex... of course." No brainer, right?

Well, not tonight.  He suggested it, of course, but I just need my space right now.  All I want is to lie here browsing my familiar pages, reading something funny or interesting, locating some cool photography site, and then just go to bed. And please guys, don't take it personal.  Try again tomorrow, you'll see, we'll be in the mood.

Mastering the skill... Resolution 3

This particular resolution is in itself a challenge.  For the past year I have been reading, practicing, and reading some more on the subject of photography, trying desperately to move up from being an amateur into becoming a serious hobbyist.  Now, in this year 2009, I want to think I can move towards becoming a professional photographer, and for that, I need to step up my game.

I'm a pretty realistic woman and I know my limitations.  I know I need to be able to reproduce quality images each time I go out and shoot a subject.  I know there are certain technical skills I need to master, and I am already working on it.  So, with some effort from my part, I know I can do this.  I am currently working on a good and solid portfolio, and I am constantly searching for inspiration and ideas.  So, wish me luck and keep coming back for updates on this big project of mine.

Well, these are my three most important resolutions for the year.  I have others that I am currently working on.  Like, for example:

-Running a race (I have one coming up in February, so I'm already training)

-Wearing more skirts

-Overcoming the bad habit of procrastination (this is particularly annoying and I want to be done with it)

I guess I have work to do...

Happy 2009!

Playing with my camera before the clock hit 12AM last night.  Happy 2009!!