Reinvention in the making

re.in.vent |verb|

change something so much that it appears to be entirely new.

A verb indicates action and movement. Implies that the subject is doing something. If we say, then, that our subject wants to reinvent him/herself, we are automatically stating that whatever was before, will no longer be, since he/she will take action upon whatever it is they want to change.

It is pretty obvious who the subject is after all. Perhaps you've noticed my long absence, or maybe not. But the truth is that I have crashed into important life-changing events. It has not been easy. It has not been merry. It has been what it has been.

What is expected of all of this? What will the outcome be of the changes surrounding my life?

Reinvention.

To change what didn't work before. To adopt bold ways of thinking. To exclude fear from my daily vocabulary. To accept new ways and go with the flow. To understand that this is the life I'm living and that I am responsible for it.

There are quite a few things that I want to change for the better, but there's one that I will protect... the smile that has always been on my face. The smile that reassures me that things will be ok and that I am a good person. A good person that wants to be the best she can be.

Understanding Lennon

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

I've always cherished this particular quote of his. For some reason, it has always made sense to me. It resonates in my head like a broken disc, over and over and over, and I've been acknowledging it more often lately.

Life happened. Change happened.

You win some, You loose some

I am 15 lbs lighter these days. While on the blog scene I've been silent and non-responsive, on the gym I've been working my butt off. My runs are now longer and faster, and my stamina has improved considerably.

The whole process started about two months ago, when my boss (who's also my neighbor and good friend) realized she needed to loose 90 lbs in order to regain control of her health and well being. I encouraged her to sign up at my gym. That way we could partner and motivate each other to keep it up. So she did, and we've been exercising every weekday from 5:30 to 7 AM. The results are showing and I have to say that I'm looking pretty good these days (woohoo!).

Loosing weight is a very personal process. No one can force this into anyone, or else it will become another tedious task to do in your already complicated agenda. It becomes a burden and sooner or later, you quit altogether. In order for the process to be effective, it must come from a true realization. Knowing that you need to change for the better, that you deserve to feel younger and energized, or that your health is at risk and your living days are getting shorter, it's the only motivation you really need to stay focused on this task. Wether it's 10, 15 or 100 lbs, the process is still the same: decrease the amount of food input and increase the amount of physical activity. That's it. But we, humans, avoid anything that makes us feel deprived. It's our nature.

We'll continue our morning routine as usual, and I will continue helping my friend, who needs this much more than I do. And in the meantime, I will benefit from it one way or the other. I gained a friend already and had lost some extra pounds... let's see what else comes this way.

Once upon a time...

... I decided I wanted to start writing a blog.

So, why the hell haven't I kept up with it??? In all honesty, there's no good reason. I just let life be and got caught up in it. No dramatic situation has happened (thank God!). I just got lazy and stopped... it was much easier just stopping altogether.

The truth is that writing is hard. And writing about one self is even harder. It's like as if someone has lit a bright spot light upon you, and you're standing in a big, dark stage, all by yourself. There's nowhere to go... and the show must go on.

I've tried to hide away from that stage all my life. I'm not the kind of person who likes getting much attention. In fact, I've always been the friend of the popular girl, the wife of the popular guy, a plain accountant working at the bank, the good daughter who's always there for everyone, the one that loves watching movies and reading books, the one that goes to the gym and doesn't speak a word. Yep, always laying low. I guess the blog started to feel like something outside of character, the only place where everything was about me. I felt like an outsider in my own virtual space. It must stop....

I am hereby regaining the right of being selfish, of speaking only about me, about my fears, my joys and my mistakes. My thoughts will remain anonymous because I say so. And I will enjoy every sentence of it.

Alive and Well...

This is my comeback! :)

The Things I have learned....

I found this website called "Things I have learned so far in my Life".  It has kept me thinking about many things.

My weekend in pictures

Had breakfast with a dear friend on Saturday morning.  We had a long talk and a few laughs.  

Played a game of Pool with my husband, brother, and sister in law.  I suck at it!! Big time....

... my niece watched us wondering what the hell we were doing...

And tonight, after my photography class, I saw the big bright moon shining above me.  I managed to take this picture while driving.

Wishing you a happy and productive week....

Me. Without glasses.

I'm trying out a new pair of contact lenses.  It's been a while.  In fact, I haven't wore contact lenses ever since I moved away from my island three years ago.  So I'm still adjusting to my new sight.  Things look smaller when I'm wearing glasses.  I guess the shape of the glass shrinks the images somehow.  I asked a friend of mine who wear glasses if he had notice this before.  He agreed with my observation.

It's funny how people react to appearances.  Nobody at work had seen me before without this obvious object in my face, so it was a shock for some people.

"You look different!"  Duuuhh. Really?

"Your eyes are green!" Well, hazel actually. Today they just look greener than usual.  And this was a girl with whom I have daily interaction.  Didn't she notice before? 

"You look great!" That's the kind of compliment I want to hear to keep me encouraged.

I remember the exact moment I started seeing blurry.  I was eight, I think, and I was in my third grade classroom, writing down some notes on my notebook.  The teacher had written some stuff on the chalkboard that we had to copy.  I was looking back and forth, from the board to my notebook.  At one point, when I was reading the board, something pop in my eyes, and they got teary.  I rubbed them hard, and when I tried to read from the chalkboard again, I couldn't see a thing!

For many years, I hated wearing glasses.  I thought I looked stupid, ugly and nerdy.  And of course, when you get to your teen years, you must look like everybody else.  You want to fit in.  So, as soon as I turned 13, I got my first set of contact lenses. Oh I was so happy.  I wore them all the time, neglecting my poor glasses, leaving them on the side, on some dusty corner.

I rediscovered them some years ago.  I had to get a new prescription and, while waiting for my turn in the eye glasses shop, I spotted a nice, clean looking pair that got my attention.  I tried them on and they fit perfectly.  So I changed my mind and got them instead.  I've been enjoying the simplicity and practicality of eye glasses for quite a while now.  But after three years, I want  to update my look.  And this is the fastest and most efficient way I know.

Story of a Child

Yesterday I read an article on Newsweek that moved me.  It was titled Family Portraits, and the subject really took me by surprise. This is the article's description:

"A unique volunteer group helps parents preserve precious images of babies that are stillborn or expected to die soon after birth."

Motherhood is a sensitive subject for me to discuss.  Not because I'm not interested on becoming one, but because I've been trying for five years without success.  I've been through all the stages: from total excitement about the new endeavor, to disappointment and frustration.  Right now, I'm in the "I don't really care" stage, and I am trying to enjoy my life to the fullest, getting involved on things that are dear to me.  But there was a moment, a brief period in which I was able to conceive, and the experience was magical.

I was still living in my island, and I had recently changed doctors.  This new guy took a new approach to the situation, and after two months on treatment, the oh-so-hated pregnancy test finally came back POSITIVE.  I just couldn't believe my eyes, and I did two more tests just to make sure it wasn't a cruel joke from the circumstances.  The doctor confirmed it with an ultrasound, and I had the first photo of my baby.  It was blurry and you couldn't see a baby still, but it was my baby alright.  The happiness that surrounded our house was like any other, making plans, talking about it all the time, hopeful about our future together.  Then I went to my next appointment the following month, only to find out that there was no heartbeat.  The baby never made it past the second month.  For me, the most hurting memory of that moment was to see my husband cry.  In ten years I've only seen him cry once, and that was it.  I'm really sorry I haven't been able to give him a child... and it really breaks my heart every time I think about it.

So when I read this article, the idea of photographing a stillborn baby comes to me as a beautiful gift.  Because, for whatever brief or long the moment is, it was your baby, it was your child.  Holding on to those images means that this little person existed and it made an impact on your life. And no one will ever take that away from you.

Gone...not for so long

I had been quiet for some time now.  Regrouping, putting things in the right perspective.  Last week was a long and tough week, at work and home.  Since my two coworkers were laid off, we had acquire more responsibilities than we had before, so that took some adjustments.  That's done.  At home, I had been helping my brother and his wife to set up their own design freelance business.  Color Depth Design is already on its way to become a full production business.  I sat down with my sister in law and covered all the basics.  She already started working on her first project, so she's been busy.

My photography class starts this next weekend, and I'm looking forward to it.    I need to tackle the technicalities of flash photography if I ever want to make some money out of this hobby of mine.  I'm also working on building my portfolio.  I have been reading a lot on the subject and I think I know what I want to do.  In the meantime you can check out my photoblog, Think!Photography.  I'll be doing some updates on the layout, so new things are coming their way.