Story of a Child

Yesterday I read an article on Newsweek that moved me.  It was titled Family Portraits, and the subject really took me by surprise. This is the article's description:

"A unique volunteer group helps parents preserve precious images of babies that are stillborn or expected to die soon after birth."

Motherhood is a sensitive subject for me to discuss.  Not because I'm not interested on becoming one, but because I've been trying for five years without success.  I've been through all the stages: from total excitement about the new endeavor, to disappointment and frustration.  Right now, I'm in the "I don't really care" stage, and I am trying to enjoy my life to the fullest, getting involved on things that are dear to me.  But there was a moment, a brief period in which I was able to conceive, and the experience was magical.

I was still living in my island, and I had recently changed doctors.  This new guy took a new approach to the situation, and after two months on treatment, the oh-so-hated pregnancy test finally came back POSITIVE.  I just couldn't believe my eyes, and I did two more tests just to make sure it wasn't a cruel joke from the circumstances.  The doctor confirmed it with an ultrasound, and I had the first photo of my baby.  It was blurry and you couldn't see a baby still, but it was my baby alright.  The happiness that surrounded our house was like any other, making plans, talking about it all the time, hopeful about our future together.  Then I went to my next appointment the following month, only to find out that there was no heartbeat.  The baby never made it past the second month.  For me, the most hurting memory of that moment was to see my husband cry.  In ten years I've only seen him cry once, and that was it.  I'm really sorry I haven't been able to give him a child... and it really breaks my heart every time I think about it.

So when I read this article, the idea of photographing a stillborn baby comes to me as a beautiful gift.  Because, for whatever brief or long the moment is, it was your baby, it was your child.  Holding on to those images means that this little person existed and it made an impact on your life. And no one will ever take that away from you.