Thank You Blog

... for giving me a space to find myself when I most needed it.

Forever yours..... Paula

Lost and Found

I have been out of it for quite a while now. Blogging, that is. Last time I posted anything was to announce I had a car accident. I survived and made it through, obviously.

The past couple of months have been exhausting. I moved to a new apartment, handled legal matters, have cried, have laughed, lost some weight and gained it back, have run, mourned, hugged, and have also stayed still. My father died in November. My mom had a nervous breakdown. I'm getting divorced. My sister came to visit and right now, my apartment is full. Full of people, pets, and a big mess. Exactly what I needed to feel a little bit normal.

I really don't know how to properly express how I'm feeling right now. Nothing is the same. I wasn't ready to feel this unfamiliar about everything. But I guess that's what you get when you push forward. When one steps out and realizes that idleness is taking away the best one's got. To loose is to gain. And I'm hopeful that everything will settle down and will feel familiar again.

My mom is lying next to me, reading. She's much better now, and has been enjoying the pleasure of not having to think or do anything for the past week. We are both in a turbulent moment, adjusting to our own separate realities. I love her to death. And I know she loves me the same way too.

Unexpected

I had car accident yesterday. It was raining and I was in the highway on my way home. I took an exit and, while taking a sharp curve, my car just got slippery and out of control. I realized the trouble immediately and tried to control the stirring wheel without success. I suddenly understood that this was a loosing battle, and tried to do as much damage control as possible. I sharply turned the stirring wheel to the right, the same direction as the car was spinning. I slammed the breaks and hoped for the best. I landed on the side railing. My hands were shaking and for a minute, I didn't know what to do.

I've been dealing with the insurance company pretty much all day long. And I've been very sad. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Something I just read

" It requires a willingness to recognize that what we know is limited and that as soon as we think we understand something, we stop paying attention. It requires an ability to tolerate the pain, ambiguity, and confusion that arises anytime we leave our comfort zone. It requires a desire to continue growing as a person. We have to be vulnerable to explore new territory. After all, we are going to make mistakes, get hurt, and look foolish every once in a while."

Todd Kashdan - Curious? Blog

Reinvention in the making

re.in.vent |verb|

change something so much that it appears to be entirely new.

A verb indicates action and movement. Implies that the subject is doing something. If we say, then, that our subject wants to reinvent him/herself, we are automatically stating that whatever was before, will no longer be, since he/she will take action upon whatever it is they want to change.

It is pretty obvious who the subject is after all. Perhaps you've noticed my long absence, or maybe not. But the truth is that I have crashed into important life-changing events. It has not been easy. It has not been merry. It has been what it has been.

What is expected of all of this? What will the outcome be of the changes surrounding my life?

Reinvention.

To change what didn't work before. To adopt bold ways of thinking. To exclude fear from my daily vocabulary. To accept new ways and go with the flow. To understand that this is the life I'm living and that I am responsible for it.

There are quite a few things that I want to change for the better, but there's one that I will protect... the smile that has always been on my face. The smile that reassures me that things will be ok and that I am a good person. A good person that wants to be the best she can be.

Understanding Lennon

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

I've always cherished this particular quote of his. For some reason, it has always made sense to me. It resonates in my head like a broken disc, over and over and over, and I've been acknowledging it more often lately.

Life happened. Change happened.

You win some, You loose some

I am 15 lbs lighter these days. While on the blog scene I've been silent and non-responsive, on the gym I've been working my butt off. My runs are now longer and faster, and my stamina has improved considerably.

The whole process started about two months ago, when my boss (who's also my neighbor and good friend) realized she needed to loose 90 lbs in order to regain control of her health and well being. I encouraged her to sign up at my gym. That way we could partner and motivate each other to keep it up. So she did, and we've been exercising every weekday from 5:30 to 7 AM. The results are showing and I have to say that I'm looking pretty good these days (woohoo!).

Loosing weight is a very personal process. No one can force this into anyone, or else it will become another tedious task to do in your already complicated agenda. It becomes a burden and sooner or later, you quit altogether. In order for the process to be effective, it must come from a true realization. Knowing that you need to change for the better, that you deserve to feel younger and energized, or that your health is at risk and your living days are getting shorter, it's the only motivation you really need to stay focused on this task. Wether it's 10, 15 or 100 lbs, the process is still the same: decrease the amount of food input and increase the amount of physical activity. That's it. But we, humans, avoid anything that makes us feel deprived. It's our nature.

We'll continue our morning routine as usual, and I will continue helping my friend, who needs this much more than I do. And in the meantime, I will benefit from it one way or the other. I gained a friend already and had lost some extra pounds... let's see what else comes this way.

Once upon a time...

... I decided I wanted to start writing a blog.

So, why the hell haven't I kept up with it??? In all honesty, there's no good reason. I just let life be and got caught up in it. No dramatic situation has happened (thank God!). I just got lazy and stopped... it was much easier just stopping altogether.

The truth is that writing is hard. And writing about one self is even harder. It's like as if someone has lit a bright spot light upon you, and you're standing in a big, dark stage, all by yourself. There's nowhere to go... and the show must go on.

I've tried to hide away from that stage all my life. I'm not the kind of person who likes getting much attention. In fact, I've always been the friend of the popular girl, the wife of the popular guy, a plain accountant working at the bank, the good daughter who's always there for everyone, the one that loves watching movies and reading books, the one that goes to the gym and doesn't speak a word. Yep, always laying low. I guess the blog started to feel like something outside of character, the only place where everything was about me. I felt like an outsider in my own virtual space. It must stop....

I am hereby regaining the right of being selfish, of speaking only about me, about my fears, my joys and my mistakes. My thoughts will remain anonymous because I say so. And I will enjoy every sentence of it.

Alive and Well...

This is my comeback! :)